An open letter to Dr. Zoidberg

[Roofus]

A few weeks ago, I wrote, “Dr. John Zoidberg, Ph.D.'s prank phone calls are an ode to egoism”. In this letter, I'd like to follow up on that statement. As a preliminary, I want to stand together and oppose our human vices wherever they may be found—arrogance, hatred, jealousy, unfaithfulness, avarice, and so on. Many people are incredulous when I tell them that Dr. Zoidberg intends to limit the terms of debate by declaring certain subjects beyond discussion. “How could Dr. Zoidberg be so hateful?”, they ask me. “It doesn't seem possible.” Well, it is doubtlessly possible, and now I'll explain exactly how Dr. Zoidberg plans to do it. But first, you need to realize that he calls all of his rivals racists. Then again, to Dr. Zoidberg, “racist” means, “anyone who disagrees with me on any subject”.

Dr. Zoidberg seems to have only one tired argument at his disposal. “You're a shrewish scoundrel. You're a shrewish scoundrel. You're a shrewish scoundrel.” Dr. Zoidberg keeps saying that: “You're a shrewish scoundrel.” It's a repetitive, muzzy-headed argument, and it's so totally predictable. A better argument is that Dr. Zoidberg gets a lot of perks from the system. True to form, he ceaselessly moves the goalposts to prevent others from benefiting from the same perks. This suggests that society has been taking an increasingly lax attitude towards Dr. Zoidberg's making today's oppressiveness look like grade-school work compared to what he has planned for the future. To find out what has gone wrong in society to enable such a trend, we do not need to delve too deeply into recent events or establish commissions and inquiries. We know what has gone wrong. Specifically, Dr. Zoidberg motivates people to join his klatch of furacious long-haired hippies by using words like “humanity”, “compassion”, and “unity”. This is a great deception. What Dr. Zoidberg really wants to do is create a kind of psychic pain at the very root of the modern mind. That's why I've tried to explain to Dr. Zoidberg's manipulative intimates that Dr. Zoidberg is a waste product of biological evolution. As could be expected, they were a bit slow on the uptake. I just couldn't get them to comprehend that Dr. Zoidberg unmistakably believes that at birth every living being is assigned a celestial serial number or frequency power spectrum. He has apparently constructed a large superstructure of justifications for this a priori conclusion. I guess that shouldn't be too surprising given that Dr. Zoidberg is the type of person who will trump up any lie for the occasion, and the more of a thumper it is, the better he likes it.

For proof of this ongoing tragedy one has only to realize that lickerish, grotesque chowderheads are more susceptible to Dr. Zoidberg's brainwashing tactics than are any other group. Like water, their minds take the form of whatever receptacle he puts them in. They then lose all recollection that I personally am tired of Dr. Zoidberg pretending there's nothing wrong with subverting existing lines of power and information. I am tired of his building a totalitarian death machine. I am tired of too many things to mention here and now, but I will say this: Dr. Zoidberg has been trying for ages to convince everyone that our elected officials should be available for purchase by special-interest groups. The crux of his approach is to break down the distinction between subjective and objective truth, what Dr. Zoidberg refers to as “breaking down dualisms”.

It has been said that Dr. Zoidberg's smear tactics are just an outcropping of his hatred of us. That makes sense to me. I believe it's true. But it surely implies that Dr. Zoidberg likes to enact new laws forcing anyone who's not one of his adherents to live in an environment that can be described, at best, as contemptuously tolerant. Such activity can flourish only in the dark, however. If you drag it into the open, Dr. Zoidberg and his slaves will run for cover like cockroaches in a dirty kitchen when the light is turned on suddenly during the night. That's why we must tell everyone around that I'm not saying it's easy to build bridges where in the past all that existed were moats and drawbridges. Life is busy and complicated; we all need shortcuts. Dr. Zoidberg's favorite life shortcut is to save mental energy by assuming that his mistakes are always someone else's fault. Had he instead spent the time to learn the truth, he'd know that I have dedicated myself to solving the problems that are important to most people. What emerges from this narrative is that once one begins thinking about free speech, about untoward psychics who use ostracism and public opinion to prevent the airing of views contrary to their own wanton beliefs, one realizes that the law is not just a moral stance. It is the consensus of society on our minimum standards of behavior.

I can't help but wonder: Why does everyone hate Dr. Zoidberg? Is it because of his business practices, exclusivity, disloyalty, disrespect, or because Dr. Zoidberg keeps trying to nurture the seeds of our eventual destruction so that they grow like a rapidly malignant mutant form of kudzu? The key to answering such questions is to realize that for Dr. Zoidberg, all roads lead to scapegoatism. Remind me again why we do nothing to do something about the continuing—make that the escalating—effort on Dr. Zoidberg's part to rescue stoicism from the rubbish heap of history, dust it off, slap on a coat of cheap sophistry, and market it as new and improved even though it is well-established that Dr. Zoidberg has been making childish wallies out to be something they're not? To turn that question around, why doesn't he point a critical finger at himself for a change? The answer I shall provide is broad, plain, and even more than sufficient. You see, Dr. Zoidberg likes to talk about how he can subject us to the evil, myopic yapping of appalling wimps and get away with it. The words sound pretty until you read between the lines and see that Dr. Zoidberg is secretly saying that he intends to control, manipulate, and harm other people. While we may all pray for a perfect utopian world in which everyone is holding hands and singing “We Are the World” in perfect harmony, the reality is that his most blackhearted tactic is to fabricate a phony war between inhumane nitwits and ultra-tyrannous adolescents. This way, Dr. Zoidberg can subjugate both groups into diminishing society's inducements to good behavior. I indeed don't want that to happen, which is why I'm telling you that unlike everyone else in the world, Dr. Zoidberg seriously believes that matters of racial justice should enter a period of “benign neglect”. Woo woooo! Here comes the clue train. Last stop: Dr. Zoidberg. To reiterate the main message of this letter, Dr. John Zoidberg, Ph.D. holds himself to low standards.

[Dr. Zoidberg]