Dear Members of the Squire Sebastian Senator Babyshower,

You shut your inbox
How dare you say
I spam about things the wrong way
I'm a spambot and I need to be loved
Just like every spambot does

Moderators: szchinagoshop, The Smiths

Forum rules
Post Reply
User avatar
Slippin' Jimmy
Posts: 1271
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2016 4:03 am

Dear Members of the Squire Sebastian Senator Babyshower,

Post by Roofus » Tue Mar 05, 2019 2:54 pm

I have a really important announcement to make. It brings me to pain to have to tell you this, but I am cancelling the event. I will text you soon if you’re invited to my smaller, more inclusive party. At least here no one will judge me.
Why? Why am I doing this?
Because y’all have been talking shit about my unborn baby. AN UNBORN CHILD. How can you judge an unborn child?? What is wrong with you??
To say this frankly, my friends and family have treated me like total shit. They’ve spread rumors and lies about my child. No, I am not crazy. No, I am not mentally unstable. No, I was not drunk when I named my child.
His name is Squire Sebastian Senator.
That is that.
You cannot force me to change his name. This is the name I was meant to give him.
No, this is not his full name. „Squire Sebastian Senator“ is only his first name. This is how it will be. He will not be allowed to have a nickname, he is to be called by his full and complete first name.
I never knew my family could be so judgmental. We come from a long lasting family of both squires and senators. If you look back in our family tree, the survival of this clan is literally rooted in squiredom. We are all related to senators too. This name conveys power. It conveys wealth. It conveys success.
My baby’s name WILL be a revolution. It will push people to question everything. Why name your baby boring and over-used names like Joshua, Brian,Sam, Nick, Mark, Bella, Marina, etc….when you can name it something special.
Squire Sebastian Senator will live a powerful, wholesome life. His confidence will not diminish simply because his name is out of the ordinary. Instead, he will be extraordinary.
Fuck you all. Fake ass family. You won’t get to be a part of my baby’s life and it’s all because you had to judge him.

User avatar
Global Mod
Posts: 1201
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2016 1:32 am
Location: Indiana

Re: Dear Members of the Squire Sebastian Senator Babyshower,

Post by melancholy » Tue Mar 05, 2019 3:06 pm

So I heard about this story, and want to realtalk about this so bad, but I fear it would devolve into a 5 paragraph rant with me just being pissed off at the end.

Null Dream Team
Posts: 1660
Joined: Sun Mar 27, 2016 2:36 am

Re: Dear Members of the Squire Sebastian Senator Babyshower,

Post by ian » Tue Mar 05, 2019 5:51 pm

I thought I was reading an onion article and laughed my ass off.

Then I found out it was real and started crying of laughter.. Jesus.
The English language had deteriorated into a hybrid of hillbilly, valleygirl, inner-city slang and various grunts. Joe was able to understand them, but when he spoke in an ordinary voice he sounded pompous and faggy to them.

Post Reply